Episode 47 - Vampires

welcome to this episode of the wolf and

the shepherd today

we're going to be talking about

vampires i mean vampires

i think we all know what a vampire is

but obviously you know we're gonna go

in there we're gonna define what a

vampire is because i think there's like

six people

out there that might not know what a

vampire is but

thought we'd go through the history of

vampires and take a look at

you know vampires and pop culture and

old

fiction maybe non-fiction it's kind of

hard telling i mean wait

what did we find out about vampires

almost nothing actually well so

par for the course i mean

well for for our course i i mean

we do some research but then we

typically don't find out a whole

heck of a lot well i thought we'd made a

uh promise to our listeners that in 2021

we were going to discuss the topics

which are near and dear

to the hearts of our listeners worldwide

because last year it seems like some of

the podcasts we just did for our own

amusement and yeah

really that informative or educational

so this year

we're keeping purely with stuff which we

think our listeners might want to hear

us talk about

or or that they ask us to you know do

our just fantastic

version of research so we can explain to

them

what they would actually find on like

the first half of google

right well um i've kind of fast forward

i bought four this episode ahead of the

uh

ants episode and the one on train

stations that were never built

so we've kind of brought this one

forward because yeah it might get a

better listening audience wait so when

you sent me on that

trip to these unbuilt train stations and

i had to take all those pictures was

that a full series no money on uber

can help get a direct train there yeah

yeah i i

really wish you would have told me that

was a fool's errand but i fell for it

like i always do

well i mean that 300 we spent on ant

farms on

amazon they're gonna be fun when they

arrive as well yeah and by the way

last time i checked train stations don't

bite but those ant farms i mean if you

let those little suckers get out

they bite you they do they do yeah they

do

can't keep everybody happy apparently no

absolutely not i just figured right

vampires it's uh 2021

you know we continue along with a 2020

timeline of it being a crap hole i

figured after they confirmed the

existence of ufos which we're now on a

countdown of because

that little bit of a legislation they

stuck into the stimulus bill

yeah yeah they they kind of snuck it in

there but i'm pretty sure

and i didn't read through all 5 000

pages of it

but i'm pretty sure in that legislation

they mentioned that we are in the age of

coven

yeah they did but i think they snap that

ufo stuff in there hoping that the 600

would kind of make you ignore the fact

that they're making the intelligence

agencies

give over everything they know about

ufos in the next 180 days or 90 days or

whatever

well we're all going to be focused on

the one and a half million dollars for

the lizards to run on treadmills right

yeah

and then you've got um the next uh

actual projection um

about 2021 that you're gonna

start getting some of the ai military

programs

developing not necessarily a sentiment

type thing but they're going to go rogue

right because they're going to go out of

control

and they're going to be mad at us too

and try and kill us and

uh they're going to learn how to build

themselves and so it's going to go full

out terminate style

but then i thought what else bad can

happen to us and they've figured

yeah they're going to confirm vampires

are real and they're both thirsty

and pissed off yes might as well get it

out of the way now yeah

no no that's a good plan let's go ahead

and get it out of the way now

let's get it out of the way because we

have covered killer robots

yes we did right and we're in ducks

little bit of ufos

and ducks yeah it we gotta be concerned

about ducks

so so yeah let let's get these threats

out of the way

early in the year good idea good good

plan good plan

for those of you who don't know what a

vampire is you maybe might as well turn

off now because you're not our audience

um the basic [ __ ] definition which i

kind of call the first paragraph of

wikipedia

for vampires is a vampire is a creature

from folklore

that subsists i think they could have

chosen a bad word that subsists by

feeding on the vital essence

generally in the form of blood of the

living

in european folklore vampires are undead

creatures

that often visited loved ones and caused

mischief

or deaths in the neighborhood they

inhabited while they're alive now if i

had a choice of

being visited by a vampire and they

either did mischief or death i think i'd

go with the first one

but take into account a lot of this

stuff was in the 17th 18th century right

what type of mischief do you think like

vampires would get up to

well i i think we need to back up a

little bit because

based off that definition

couldn't you also say that that could be

the definition

for a wife i mean they they take the the

lifeblood out of you they cause all

kinds of mischief and everything i

i don't know maybe that's the wrong

rabbit hole to go down to so

so so what kind of mischief could a

vampire get into well i'm thinking tpn

yes well well all this has to go on at

night yeah

right right so so yeah they're they're

gonna go

tp houses i mean it maybe some mailbox

bashing

yeah you know get out there sit and

fight a bags of crap and knocking on

your door and running off

yeah absolutely uh that's a good one

maybe

that or death so yeah which one you want

to go with uh ordering

pizzas late at night you know and having

them

you know delivered to places i i could

see vampires doing that

yeah uh prank phone calls yeah uh maybe

you know it and of course nowadays that

everybody just uses a cell phone and

has numbers stored maybe oh hang on

maybe i'm onto something is it vampires

that are making

all these phone calls about your car's

extended warranty

or your student loans that need to get

paid well what else are they going to do

like daytime in the coffin well i mean

these are

phones now yeah but but did we just

solve a problem maybe it's vampires that

are trying to sell all these extended

warranties

well let's have an attempt of going on

craigslist and the

four looking in the employment section

and see how many cold calling uh

vampire applicants we get yeah yeah yeah

so we'll put that on our laundry list of

things we're never gonna do

yeah so um there's accounts of vampires

and you know they've given different

names around the world obviously

um from asia to africa to a lot of

europe

but they're all very very similar in the

depictations in terms of like you know

sucking blood you know they're undead

coming out at night

and how you kill them and stuff and

there's actually more recorded evidence

around the world of vampires than there

is uh

over the last hundred years of kind of

man-made global warming but

i know we pissed greta thurber off in

one of our earlier

episodes but yeah room has it she's

discovered boys so global warming has

taken a back seat so i shouldn't be

getting any more complaint emails from

her or

representatives hey you know what yeah

let's go on the record

good for her you know we're happy for so

so uh congratulations on discovering

boys

and uh good luck to you with that and as

a side note

anybody dating here we feel very very

sorry for you

so uh yeah you you are taking one for

the team

you know what's gonna happen the first

time they're getting an argument she's

just gonna be like

you've taken away my dreams you have

ruined

my childhood i know you're so bad

yeah that's going to be a rough first

argument yeah it is

all right but um now in terms of western

europe and north america which is

arguably the

probably the only part of earth that

matters yeah vampires they kind of

turned up

after reports in the 18th century there

was a lot of mass

hysteria in like the balkans in eastern

europe

okay right so you know obviously the

western world

we didn't really want to miss out on the

latest envo craze going on

so it wasn't long before you know the

west

we're into like staking corpses and

buying a lot of garlic you know just

like jumping on the bandwagon really

with it oh sure i mean i mean

i think there was a little bit of a

conspiracy there with the garlic

industry

maybe they were suffering and they said

hey this garlic will

take care of vampires because it could

have been something like coriander

you know nobody cares about coriander

anymore it's one of those spices that

usually is like 50 75 off at the grocery

store because nobody's buying it right

but garlic

it's held its price yeah so yeah maybe a

conspiracy there

yeah um now i've actually been to the

carpathian

mountain region in europe you know

around kind of like hungary romania

and stuff so so mr transylvania okay

that's what i was about to ask so so is

that that

transylvania area area okay we don't

want to get too specific

you know we're not geographers by any

stretch of the imagination no i yeah

yeah i can find texas on a map but

beyond that uh can't find anything else

but i know transylvania is somewhere

over there

i think uh the phone number to call them

is like

six five thousand and yeah that's that's

pretty much all i know about

transylvania that's true

and um but it really a lot of those

areas around there even a little bit

further as you start like going into

poland and some of those other areas

they still take the whole vampire thing

pretty seriously and um

even today yeah wow you know when i

traveled there

you know playing you know professional

soccer and stuff we actually had

you know our tour guides and stuff when

we went on the excursion say don't make

jokes about you know vampires

and all this stuff really you know the

loco locals actually take it pretty

seriously because they're only

you know a few generations away from

probably knowing a relative who actually

had to you know

stake a vampire or you know shank a

vampire or whatever

right yeah so they actually take it yeah

and even in the bigger cities and

progressive areas there's still a strong

belief

you know part of them you know their

religious practices they will still kind

of cross themselves

going to certain areas to protect

themselves from malevolent spirits and

vampires and they'll go through a lot of

them will still go through certain

rituals when they're burying their

relatives to make sure they don't

rise as vampires well so so what we're

talking about is you know little

johnny's walking around

and you're a tourist like you say you

know you're just

you know you're there whether it's for

work or for pleasure whatever you're

walking around you don't want to make

that comment because

little johnny's going to say hey you

know my grandfather

my great-grandfather told me this story

about how he had to kill a vampire yeah

and of course which was his wife yeah

going going back to the my original

thing but it actually makes the story

sound a little better

when you say it was a vampire then

everybody just kind of dismisses it and

says oh well yeah good for you grandpa

joe

uh you took care of a vampire where he's

thinking the whole time

yeah she was sucking the life out of me

i had to get rid of her

i love how you're still giving them

western names little johnny and joe

well yeah i mean in the heart of romania

yes well it's kind of like the bible

you know where all of jesus's disciples

apparently had

english names like hey matthew mark luke

john you know come over here you know

it's not ahmed or something

like that it's like oh you know come

come over here

luke yeah all right um

now this wouldn't be a wolf in the

shepherd podcast if we didn't do

deep deep research correct and we didn't

gather the wisdom of the entire interweb

and learn that's true how to spot a

vampire so we can

pass these life skills onto our

listeners okay so

so walk me through how do i

spot a vampire right and this is golden

information okay so

so i'm gonna guess step one be a

absolute poor

actor know how to spot a vampire oh

okay sorry yeah okay how to spot a

vampire okay here

here we go okay how do we spot a vampire

right number one

okay and this you would have thought

been a given but some people missed this

they have very sharp fangs ah okay

so all dogs and cats are vampires

uh i think it's just talking about

humans oh okay get into the pet

oh i'm sorry stuff okay okay so now they

are

fangs very sharp fangs yeah okay now

this isn't uh just one of these things

and it's definitely a vampire it has to

be a combination or maybe all of these

things so number one oh

they are very sharp things just in case

you hadn't noticed before like in the

first 17 years you knew this person

in chile read this list and you're like

oh yeah

so friend michael has a very sharp thing

yeah so

so maybe if you're a vampire maybe you

don't smile in pictures

right because you don't want people to

see your

sharp face protrude past the bottom look

a bit like a

over exaggerated overbite possibly a bit

hard to hide the fangs in it yeah but

but you know maybe they figured out a

way that nobody can see those teeth

so maybe that should be suspicious like

oh that guy

i never see his teeth so maybe he's

about to think in the age of covert

wearing a mask has definitely worked

there

oh such a great point yeah

i mean vampires have to love the age of

covet right now because

now they don't have themselves up yeah

now they now they don't have to worry

about

showing the fangs so okay so so step one

or or

item one uh got the sharp teeth you got

it okay

so anyway number two which is a uh

dublin it's a twofer two for one they

look very pale

and have no reflection okay so

they must be gamers they play a lot of

video games then because they never go

outside

or they've got pernicious anemia i'm not

sure yeah one of the two

okay so show reflection yeah sharp fangs

and they're pale okay i i'm i'm with you

so far

okay no reflection i i've already

thought about six people in my life

right now that i'm pretty sure vampires

yeah

now number three is this is a great one

uh

their eyes can put humans in a trance so

they

so they obey the vampires commands oh

okay so those six people just

they're not vampires now uh but i've

thought about

two other people that have those eyes

but they're not

pale and everything so so now i'm pretty

sure i don't know a vampire that's kind

of depressing

i wonder if it if they're influential

over zoom calls

as if they would be in real life if

their eyes are kind of like

hypnotic maybe

you know yeah because i see your point

yeah because we've had to move to a lot

of zoom calls now so i'm just wondering

kind of

yeah the vampires get people to do their

being and of course

you know all our listeners know we're

terrible at zoom yeah

every time we've had to do a remote

interview uh

it's not been great well actually if

their eyes were

um hypnotic over zoom we would be the

least people to be affected by it

because we can't get it out of a 400 by

640 resolutions yeah

no we can't even necessarily see the

eyes we know where the eye should be on

the face

hey we're we're doing good to be able to

convert a

zoom call to a video version on youtube

where you can actually see what we're

doing because we've had to trash so many

videos because we're terrible with that

it looks like amateur ghost footage

yes yeah um so anyway they never

age and can live forever so you know

forgetting nancy pelosi right

vampires never age and can live river

but this is assuming they have a

you know consistent source of blood is

paul

rudd a vampire what was keanu reeves a

vampire i mean

jennifer aniston even mean these people

betty white

well she looks older yeah but

keith richards is still alive what about

keith richards are still alive they

don't look young though do they

yeah but you know some of them

maybe that's just something to fool

everybody

maybe it's makeup i mean let's let's

think about

what hollywood can do with makeup and

and aging people or de-aging people or

whatever

maybe keith richards has been alive for

like 400 years

maybe he's dracula well i think he took

that many drugs that at some points and

then combined to create immortality and

it's like

rna and dna

is a good one they sleep during the day

um okay so my daughter my daughter is a

vampire

because she gets up at like one in the

afternoon so high schoolers

yeah yeah often in a coffin oh

okay well she doesn't sleep in a coffin

but this is one of the things which got

me on this slide

but hey by the way do you know what the

difference between a coffin

and a casket is um no

yeah so i didn't know that there's

actually a difference between a

coffin and a casket is it like 490

dollars

uh depends on which mortuary you go to

but yeah the the coffin has

six points on the top of it for the lid

and a casket only has four you know the

normal square but a coffin

has that you know kind of bowed out deal

kind of where your shoulders are and

then kind of comes back

in that's the difference between a

coffin and a casket

so you know depending on which

word you want to use a lot of people

will call a casket a coffin

or a cough and a casket we don't see

many

coffins anymore we see caskets but

there's actually a difference so i

didn't even know we were gonna bring

that up but there is a difference

between a

coffin and a casket still more expensive

than throwing you in a ditch and setting

fire to you but you know

well that that or like i've always said

put me in a trash bag and put me at the

curb

you know just get rid of me that way

yeah

no no offense by the way to our

listeners that might run funeral homes

because we're always looking for

sponsors

and we we would accept a sponsor from a

funeral home and we will explain

how you need to have all of those things

go on during the funeral and and we'll

go ahead and edit that out just for a

photo op

we will both pose in a casket or a

coffin if you want to take photos of us

and we will sign the photos and you can

put it on your website

actually it one of us in a coffin one of

us in a casket so we can

show the difference yeah i think that'd

be a good educational point

one of us getting state as well yeah uh

let

let's make that you yeah okay okay all

right so

this next one and one of these words

kind of jumped out on me

they like to bite a person's neck to

drink their blood now

they like i was i figured the whole

drinking blood was more of a necessity

right for the continuity of being a

vampire so they like

says oh what are your hobbies uh playing

modern warfare

tp in you know creating mischief in my

old neighborhood

right and i really like to bite people's

necks now

drinking the blood that's secondary i

just like white people yeah

but why the neck is it the carotid

artery

is that like the best place to get blood

is that why they always

go there the old legends from around the

world they would actually bite people in

the stomach

the stomach well you see like you get

the whole the whole um

you know vampire movie stuff right and

you know the vampire is normally uh

you know hypnotizing the victim looking

in their eyes and they're kissing and

then goes to kissing on the neck and

then bites

i don't know how you get away with that

biting on the stomach

i don't either because that's that's uh

that sounds like a chubby chaser yeah

[Laughter]

i mean if if that's where they're going

with that yeah i don't know

because i can picture

a vampire biting the wrist more than the

neck

yeah wouldn't that be much easier well

i'd be suspicious

you know once they start kissing on my

stomach

first of all maybe suspicious maybe

thinking the stakes go

this date's going better than expected

and yeah you know the wrist on the wrist

when they're kissing on the wrist you're

kind of like

what are they going to lick my armpit

next yeah or something or are they

trying to steal my watch

what are they asian they've got some

weird fetishes yeah yeah i mean

yeah yeah maybe so so anyway they like

to bite a person's neck anyway um

some legends tell that a vampire can

turn into a bat we kind of knew that one

yeah

yeah and then the next one oh oh oh oh i

didn't see that coming well

well now hang on let's back up to the

bat

because there's a rumor that the whole

covid thing started from bat soup

so can we blame vampires on covet

no okay purely the blind purely lies at

the feet of the chinese

okay i just want to make sure you're not

weird

look i'm chinese chinese virus yeah but

you know i'm still trying to blame

somebody for this

so i thought okay well we can blame

vampires but

okay you you killed that theory so okay

so anyway they can turn it into an

owl apparently that's the first i've

heard about an hour an hour yeah okay

because the bat can be kind of creepy

and stuff but

an owl al's not that creepy

oh look at my big eyes i'm turning my

head around

yeah but this poor bird he's just

hanging out in barns he's killing mice

he's doing his own thing

i don't know what the advantage of the

vampire turning into an hour would be i

can see it with a bat a little bit

but what about ducks they don't turn

into ducks or cats

see but ducks would make much more sense

if they're going to turn into a bird

wouldn't you want to be a duck because

we know we can't trust ducks

that would make much more sense i mean

who hates owls

nobody hates owls that's not true

i don't know but it you know there are

there are some bad people out there that

might hate ourselves and all that okay

stuff

anyway so we can t apparently uh some

legends so they can turn into a rat

it says a rat so i don't know if it's

like one rat particularly

they all share this rap colin colin the

rats

occasionally he just gets you know yeah

turned it yeah i don't know

pouring out a rat again i don't know

he's got limited

reach and uh generally despised

and this last one which i'm very much in

disagreement about or

even into a wharf there's no way a

vampire is turning into no

isn't that a conflict of interest

because you've got the werewolf thing

out there anyway so why would they kind

of cross-pollinate and say

they would do that no no i i agree with

you there

that that's not that that's not

happening that was the first point in

this whole

actually what that no no what that is

that is vampire propaganda right there

that that is that is a hundred percent

propaganda that is the

new york times writing some propaganda

there

that vampires want to be wolves now that

was the first

point in the list where i had some high

skepticism

actually so but this next one though

i never heard of this one in my life

okay

right in some regions of europe well

well before you say this let's be honest

i never heard them turning into an owl

either

so you've already brought some of these

other things

like so now you're looking at me like oh

you didn't believe this

just wait yeah yeah just wait for this

one

okay all right here we go so in some

regions of europe

i think it was the southern bit of it

because they're a little bit more mental

there anyway

um it was believed that pumpkins

right you kind of at this point kind of

all right okay canes a bit halloweeny

yeah all right okay or watermelons

wait wait pumpkins or watermelons wait

watermelons watermelons watermelons yeah

watermelons

right water we haven't even got to what

the point of this is yet yeah just

skepticism about watermelons and the

supernatural yeah but

i was believing you when you said

pumpkins right but

now you're moving on to watermelons okay

i i'm already

not believing you but okay pumpkins and

watermelons

they turned into vampires if left out

longer than 10 days

now that's even less believable than the

whole wolf thing

yeah yeah it's so magically this

gourd or fruit turns into a vampire best

sell by date sticker put on it yeah

and and we get lazy and we say i'm not

gonna throw that away yet because

i'm too busy watching netflix

and now i'm supposed to throw this away

and if i don't throw it away in 10 days

it becomes a vampire well you mentioned

netflix but i didn't say in some regions

of europe in 19 you know

22 or 2018 i think this was actually

back a few hundred years ago

oh okay yeah so before netflix so once

when all they had was hulu yeah yeah so

once netflix came

out it took care of the pumpkins and

watermelons so so

good for you netflix you solved another

world problem

now the last one uh just in case like

from that first part of the list

you weren't able to spot a vampire it

goes here if you think you might know a

vampire

you can keep them away by staying

in the sunlight which sucks if you live

in seattle or somewhere

right it would suck anyway and wearing

garlic

and this and this quote here at the end

of this really kind of epitomizes

everything

they really don't like either of those

things

don't like sound like i don't like those

things okay

uh stay in sunlight and wear garlic so

yeah so

so pretty safe to assume

that you know my wife loves food with

garlic

likes to be out in the sun she's not a

vampire

so when i go home tonight i don't have

to worry about her

biting my neck and drinking my blood

turning into an owl

and worrying that the watermelon that's

been sitting out

10 days might turn into some kind of

another vampire that might challenge her

okay

yes yes yeah so um

you know obviously with vampires we have

to move into the whole realm of

you know books and movies oh yeah that's

how most people were introduced to it

not by

actual meetings of vampires because

those people were not around to actually

right

there or or the kind of research that we

do

to let everybody know what they need to

be worried about

yeah so um one of the first books that

actually gained popularity regarding

vampires

was actually named the vampire

which i which i kind of like creative

title yeah it's published in

but it gets to the point yeah well they

spelt vampire v-a-m-p-y-r-a

oh everybody yeah they yeah they were

trying to be creative there

well anyway that was published in 1819

but i do actually like that title

because it's to the point

you know it's not throwing me any

curveballs like as i mentioned before in

a previous podcast to kill a mockingbird

that yeah it was a fake title and the

picture of dorian gray could have been

about anything

you know but the vampire that pretty

much lets you know

this is what it's about so i think it's

audience got what it uh wanted when it

bought that

um and there was uh influential work

i'll say that i'm not sure to who it was

influential

in 1847 called vani the vampire

von varney isn't that scary name farney

now that that seems like lazy riding

where

it's kind of like raymond or eric the

vampire in terms of nightmare inducing

titles i don't know

barney the vampires really yeah i mean

if if eric

the vampire comes out he's like i'm

going to

steal your pizza and that's about it i'm

going to whole foods

yeah not bringing you any change yeah

yeah so that i don't know but it was a

famous one i had actually heard of that

one before i saw her on google

yeah so anyway the the one which

actually piqued my excitement a little

bit

uh the next big title after that was

about a lesbian vampire

camilla right in 1872

eight oh okay hang on now 1872 you got a

lesbian vampire yeah

oh yeah yeah being progressive and quick

yeah

well no they they weren't jumping on the

bandwagon they were setting the stage

they're driving the bandwagon here so so

good

good for them that still does support my

theory that nobody not even the undead

wants to bite a man's neck

that's a good point um then we reached

obviously

uh bram uh stoker's you know dracula in

1897.

wow 1897. that's how old that is yeah

wow there was um at least one sequel to

that but i can't remember the name of

the book and i didn't obviously bother

looking it up

um it wasn't like dracula to the sequel

it had another name to it which

i've actually seen the movie but again

not so memorable or that i can actually

tell you what it is

but um you know it's a classic in all

regards but it's definitely not the last

time an eastern european arrived in

england by boat suck the country dry

well that happens on a daily basis over

there

so um you know after that books about

vampires were pretty crap

anne rice wrote uh interview with the

vampire in

76 and slightly before that

one which is uh more well known was a

stephen king salem

[ __ ] you know until the movies were made

you know interviewed with the vampire i

don't know if anybody really knew much

about that or

van rice i don't know what else you did

to be honest yeah but

you know good old stephen king i mean

he's gonna dig up all that good stuff

he's written quite a few good

tarpon sure and rice i don't know what

else she's done

yeah me either yeah yeah yep yeah good

for her though

i mean she made her name i mean yeah you

only got it write

one good thing well she got tom cruise

and brad pitt to appear in the uh

well i don't know if she did but whoever

was in charge of casting did in the

actual movie

yeah as a vampire yeah no that's true

yeah

i mean lots of good folks in in that

movie

and honestly that was a great movie i

mean i did like

interview with the vampire i i thought

that was

a good version of the vampire story

yeah i i thought it was a good movie all

the way around one of the funniest

reviews i read of that movie by a critic

was

its ymca gayness meets bohemian rhapsody

no i i could see that

i could see well

you know but that's what the critics are

supposed to do they're supposed to be

harsh and they're supposed to tell the

truth

and they're not supposed to you know

accept bribes and everything to say

things are good when they're not

oh yeah they never do that but but no

looking back on

interview with the vampire i mean that

was a good movie

i mean it really was through and through

and the

only reason why i can still watch

that movie today with the wife is

because the wife likes christian slater

right and christian slater has that you

know part that he's the

interviewer in doing the actual

interview

oh kirsten dunce yeah she was like oh no

she was in that movie yeah no i think

that was her first movie you know she

was a little girl in that

and i mean now she's a big actress and

no all in all it that movie actually was

a

really good movie and it's it's one of

those that's held up to the test of time

you could show that movie today

and it feels like a movie that would be

made today yeah

it's a good movie yeah let's be honest

it's a good movie yeah

now um i mentioned salem's lot and that

they actually made a uh

tv movie movie for tv however you call

it

um and it was back in

1979 i want to say and um

that movie absolutely scared the crap

out of me and it's probably still my

overall

favorite vampire movie of all time and

you know i have like most of them that

have ever come out

yeah you know on our hard drive yeah

well

but but you're a horror movie fan and

all that

which i'm not but you know i let's go

back to

interview with the vampire i don't

consider that horror movie

i'm not scared when i watch that movie

but you can look at vampire movies and

they

would be considered horror right i mean

my wife for instance the movie signs

that's by m night shyamalan right and

it's about

aliens coming down she's scared to death

of that movie she considers that

a horror movie i don't i just consider

that maybe

suspense thriller something like that i

don't consider that a horror movie i'm

not

scared if i watch that when i'm going to

bed at night

i'm not going to have nightmares about

that movie

but she will she absolutely will so

but there could be people that with

interview with the vampire

if they're watching that at night before

they're going to bed

could probably have nightmares about

that movie that

vampires are going to do that stuff well

i i always consider

or kind of i guess label movies that

have anything to do with the

supernatural

a horror movie because there are a lot

of titles now called horror

and it's just like a serial killer or

you know if you take

um what was uh misery by stephen king

you know

that kathy bates you know keeps turned

up to bed you know isn't very close

to him i think that's listed as a horror

to me that's not a horror that's just

like getting a bad airbnb

deal yeah yeah which is actually

probably happens quite a bit yeah i mean

with

people you know staying in an airbnb i i

could see that happening

i mean it to me one of the scariest

movies

ever made honestly hands down

scariest movie ever made should be in

the horror category

high school musical that is such a scary

movie

in the second one oh there's like three

or four

yeah those are scary movies that that

should scare people

yeah watching that yeah that that could

happen yeah i think

that as the future of the next

generation should scare people a lot

um now there's actually were dracula

over 200 movies worldwide which have

been dracula movies now a lot of them

have been in different languages

obviously

sure you know because i've got like i

don't know about 25 of them but um

i i've need to actually download i need

to go and bit torrent and download the

bollywood versions because i want to see

dracula was singing

oh absolutely coming from somebody who

literally has seen dracula on ice yeah

he did dracula on ice bram stoker's

dracula on ice yeah i want to see the

bollywood singing and dancing version

that would be fantastic right and of

course you got to remember

and i'm sure you do i mean dracula's

based off

what's his name vlad dracula or whatever

i mean

yeah a real live person but he's

actually a hero in that part of eastern

europe because he fought off the

um fell off the muslims right and repel

them so i mean i know the name

you know dracula comes from the dragon

and that type of stuff but no vlad

impala is actually a hero in that part

of

eastern europe and still to this day

yeah he is

yeah i give him mad props he did a good

job yeah you know had lots of movies

made after him yeah

i'm guessing his family is not seeing

any of those royalties

which is not even from the t-shirts yeah

yeah that's terrible yeah

maybe we should fix that i impaled

somebody and all i got was this lousy

t-shirt yeah

terrible for him now there was um

obviously a lot of spin-off

and uh over commercialization of dracula

right sure um there was a series of

movies back in the time

when um there was a genre called black

exploitation movies

okay right and there was a movie called

blacula

right it's basically a black dracula i

vaguely remember this coming out

yeah and i i can't for the life of me

figure out why that type of movie

was made at that time because it's like

you know if you want to kind of like

further civil rights and all this stuff

why

bring out black exploitation movies and

blacula yeah yeah because it was it was

just basically

dracula with an afro i think but it kept

pretty much the same story but had a

little bit of disco music in it yeah but

i don't think you could do that nowadays

well no

yeah you know that that's long gone it's

kind of like

uh blazing saddles that movie could not

be released today

you couldn't do it we could it last

about eight minutes yeah

i think there's an edited version that

is on

amc that's literally nine and a half

minutes long

and it's so boring that nobody knows

what's going on yeah it's kind of like i

remember

uh way back in the day when i had normal

television you know i i had i don't know

dish network or maybe just

local cable or whatever and pulp fiction

came on regular basic cable

and i tried to watch it and i thought

if this was the first time i ever saw

this movie

i would be so confused because you have

no clue

what's going on at all because they had

to edit it down

so bad and you walk away i mean

the edited version of pulp fiction it's

like

literally an hour and 15 minutes because

they had to edit

so much out of it you don't even know

what the movie was

really about well even when they take

out the cussing it's

it it's like listening to it in

cantonese

yeah absolutely yeah you have and it is

not just the cussing but the violence

and everything else

and not that we're sitting here

glorifying that but

you don't actually know what the movie's

trying to portray

one of my favorite movies of all time is

good fellas i love the movie goodfellas

but i hate watching it on tv because

they cut

so much out of it because oh we can't

have the drug use and we can't have this

and then they substitute cuss words for

other words and it it's such a mess

that if somebody for the first time

watched that movie it's just like a

group of angry people having a lunch

meeting

yeah it's terrible yeah it's terrible

yeah

so um one of the exploitation

uh dracula movies was actually named

zoltan

pound of dracula right which i haven't

seen it in about 20 years

right sultan sounds like uh right it's

pretty cool name

yeah it it sounds like another child i

would name it

but but it sounds like a a

movie that should be like a superhero

yeah like that zoltan yeah it's

all powerful well like i said it's been

like about 20 years

since i watched it but i can't remember

if like dracula gets a bit desperate and

bites a dog

for some blood or is this lonely and

made a really crappy

spur of the moment decision and uh

adopted a dog at a rescue center

ryan i don't know but um amazingly mr

fluffykins

house cat of dracula didn't get enough

gofundme money to secure production so

that

movie that's terrible yeah

mainly because you can't train cats to

act no no you can't not

not without electric collars and stuff

yeah but which is now considered

more cruelty yeah but don't get me

started on cats

i mean we're gonna go with like another

hour and a half if you get me on cats

again

yeah yeah we we need to move on here so

um

basically in the modern era right

vampires they're now

kind of romanticized a lot right in the

books and tv and movies

um vampire diaries which i will admit i

did watch probably about the first three

or four seasons

of that um mainly because i kind of

liked a couple of the female

characters in there but let's leave that

alone and uh

twilight saga which is essentially the

taylor swift covering smells like team

spirit i mean

[Music]

sparkly vampires let's make it all kind

of romantic and all that

stuff yeah what what a mess that

twilight thing was

uh my wife had a friend

that would literally

put herself in a room

lock the door and read those novels

and just try to envelop herself

into that world and just pretend that

she was

the uh what's her name kristen kristen

or something

yeah bella or whatever no she came out

as a lesbian after those movies finished

well i don't doubt that because i almost

came out of a lesbian

out as a lesbian after watching those

movies yeah that

that was terrible that that was that was

the sad part

if there was a consortium of

vampires that could sit around the table

and say

hey we gotta control our public image

they should have voted against the

twilight saga

that they really should have they should

have came out and said no

no we can't we can't have this we we

definitely cannot have this that this

cannot happen

and then of course you know we're not

talking about werewolves but then they

they have the werewolf portion in there

and actually the

werewolves in that was better than the

vampires and

that was just such a mess such a mess

whenever it was done and and thankfully

that's all done but uh now the movies

did actually have a decent soundtrack i

remember they had some

news in there they had a tom yorks

hearing damage no and stuff

there was some good things i i i will

admit i

i don't know what the name of the song

is but it's a

chick singer and uh at the

the last movie the chick singer

is the uh you know the final

song or whatever and they go through

kind of like this

elongated credits at the very end of the

week isn't that the one they used in

like the second

um a thousand years yeah yeah i i i love

you

i i'll always love you for a thousand

that honestly is a good song it's a

great song

it's a great song and i honestly like

the

end of that movie for two reasons one

because

the way they paired that song with you

know kind of

saying hey you know this is all finished

and everything

that that part's great and then the

other fact of

hey this is finished and there's gonna

be

no more of this i think that's the other

part that i like

but it's a great song it's a great song

i think if they'd have shortened all the

movies and made it into a documentary

but just kept the soundtrack it worked

out a lot better

yeah yeah probably so yeah so um

obviously we can't kind of like leave

the vampires topic without talking about

real vampires okay true

keeping it real vampires um now

you know the world's a bit bat crazy at

the moment and it's now okay

to you know if you want to identify as a

non-binary gendered unicorn you know you

can do that

and you can put that on the census form

yeah i want to

identify as unicorn i don't know about

that nine

non-binary genders unicorn

yeah i just can i just be a unicorn do i

have to identify a gender can i just say

i'm a unicorn well you do on the census

yeah oh

i think so you clicked the other box

i don't know i made everything up when i

filled out the census so anyway there's

um

also people out there who claim to be

real vampires now

amazingly and coincidentally

you know most of them dress like prince

during their

purple rain yeah you know that bohemian

type

well dressed up why not or they look

like extras from

that smashing pumpkins tonight's night

tonight video yeah

you know where they go up to the moon or

whether it's right you know those people

um but actually what i'd like to leave

our listeners with

because you know obviously we're from

texas we live in texas

and there's a big real vampire

presence apparently in texas and i what

yeah there is yeah you're kidding me no

so i went to the

official um well the first one i found

on google

the official thing about real vampires

in texas right

so i'm reading this is it texas

vampires.com

no oh i wonder if texas vampires.com

is actually a website it might be a

spite up if not yeah

and do it and dotnet and oh yeah org

yeah and we'll sit on it yeah and sell

it for more money next year yeah

for like twenty dollars yeah so it says

uh texas is one of many states

that boasts of vibrant

vampire communities known as courts

crts yeah self-identifying vampires

can apply for membership in their city

now i'm assuming via the internet just

like in

ye oldie days that's how you apply to

yeah

right that makes sense so

can you imagine what that

you know application form looks like

you know i'm going to apply a vampire

yes

yeah and is that it i mean

is it is it like dating in the sixth

grade where like do you like me

yes no maybe again the checklist we did

earlier

those are going to be the questions can

you turn into an owl or a bat do you

have very sharp things

that's going to be the checklist on that

formula one page ship list

you fill that out online you're going to

get reply

for your email and you're accepting so

if you live in texas and you go to

texasvampires.com which probably isn't a

real website

we'll be next week and then you fill

this out

and maybe you can be a vampire i mean

that should that should be great so

i wonder if they have to wear masks

though you know it

can kill the undead twice yeah but

get i guess the big question is

can vampires catch the cobia

well also how do they bite next when

they have to socially distance

yeah i mean it you're you're six foot

away

you're wearing a mask that's got to be

tough for vampires i mean that

that's one of those kind of

uh social groups that maybe we've

forgotten about

through this age of covid that that

they've got to be suffering

through this if if they're a real

vampire they're saying well

how am i supposed to go out right now

and bite people's necks because i got

this mask on

i can barely breathe i gotta go out at

night and

and we've already determined apparently

uh the cobit is very dangerous at night

it's not absolutely nine o'clock yeah

it's very dangerous then

so so now i've got to put this mask on

but i can't get within six foot of

somebody

i i think they have

some kind of a supreme court case

that they're being discriminated against

well it's just proof coverage ruined

everything for everybody yeah

i feel you know i i went into this just

trying to learn about vampires now i

kind of feel sorry for vampires

i mean don't you a little bit i mean it

the real vampires out there they got to

be listening to this saying

you know you don't understand the

struggle that we've gone through

that there is no hashtag on twitter

that are supporting us we've

we've really struggled through this well

i didn't feel sorry for them until

i learned that some of them turn into an

owl

yeah but nothing wrong with an owl

i know most of them end up pets for

you know hogwarts and all that good

stuff

so hopefully

everybody listening to this learned

everything they need to know about

vampires

and we appreciate your support and we

will catch you on the next one